*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect