Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
dictator is short for richard potato
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”