Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
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Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.