Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Oh boy, $150,000!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
nature’s most graceful animal
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…