Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.