I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Jesus Christ lmao
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.