Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
They’re called werewolves.
My wife gives the best headache.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My neck, my back, my…
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
In case you needed to hear it:
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Jesus steals the winter solstice