Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
For the orator and chef in all of us
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine