Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Pizza is an emotion right?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.