“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?