if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
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Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
🤣could you imagine