She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.