Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.