sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You Might Also Like
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.