[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.