My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
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Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My boss called in sick of me
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I wish I could veto my bills.