The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool