I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Sooo many times…..
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.