All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.