The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.