Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
WTF
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?