Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….