Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
#winning
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.