what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Y’all ready for this
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.