Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Wise advice
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator