Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
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PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?