Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.