Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again