ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
We have a winner.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.