The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up