I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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i want to work in this restaurant
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.