That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I鈥檓 married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
The worst words a parent can hear: I鈥檓 not tired