Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.