My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks