NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not