*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
the greatest twitter interaction
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter