Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Yoga Matt
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia