POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.