2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.