7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Meow
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
the three branches of government
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄