I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert