[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV