Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore