My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
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if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.