I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
You Might Also Like
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
The “baby” on the left….
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.