Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine