girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.