I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Velcrow
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists