Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.