Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.