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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.